Toxic Closure: When Someone Loves You But Hurts You, and Why Safe Love Feels Boring

Introduction

In a world that romanticizes passion, intensity, and instant chemistry, many people find themselves disoriented when love feels safe—or worse, when it feels boring. For trauma survivors, particularly those conditioned by emotionally unpredictable relationships, this shift toward secure love often feels unfamiliar or even suspicious. Add in the complexity of “toxic closure,” where the person who caused harm now seeks reconciliation—or worse, gratitude—and the emotional confusion multiplies.

This article unpacks three interconnected psychological themes:

1. Toxic closure and the illusion of healing

2. Loving someone who hurts you and the trauma bond

3. Why secure love feels dull when you’re used to chaos

1.

Toxic Closure: When Abusers Want a Thank You

Toxic closure is not the end of a story. It’s a new form of control disguised as peace. It often shows up when someone who caused emotional harm returns—months or years later—seeking forgiveness, validation, or even a “mutual understanding.” They may frame the conversation as healing, but it subtly shifts the burden back to the harmed party.

“They wanted to apologize—but what they really wanted was to be forgiven so they could feel better.”

This type of closure often lacks accountability. Instead, it serves the emotional comfort of the one who inflicted harm. Dr. Thema Bryant, a trauma psychologist, emphasizes the danger of this dynamic:

“Closure is not something someone gives you—it’s something you claim for yourself.”

(Bryant, 2022)

Signs of toxic closure:

• They center their pain instead of yours

• They say “I’ve changed” without acknowledging what they did

• They want friendship but never did the repair work

• They say, “Let’s not live in the past”

2.

When Someone Loves You But Hurts You: The Trauma Bond Explained

Loving someone who repeatedly hurts you is not a failure of willpower—it’s often the result of trauma bonding. This psychological attachment forms when periods of abuse are interspersed with affection, attention, or promises of change. The brain becomes addicted to the cycle.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, who coined the term, explains that trauma bonds are intensified when:

• The victim feels powerless

• The abuse is intermittent and unpredictable

• The relationship involves identity and emotional survival

“Trauma bonds keep people emotionally attached to their abuser, confusing harm for love.”

(Carnes, 1997)

Survivors may justify the harm because of the good moments, or because they remember the version of the person who once showed tenderness. But emotional abuse wrapped in affection is still abuse. And love is not an excuse for harm.

3.

Why Safe Love Feels Boring (and What That Really Means)

After surviving high-conflict, emotionally volatile relationships, the body’s nervous system becomes dysregulated. This creates what therapist and author Deb Dana calls “misattunement to safety.” The result? Calmness and predictability trigger discomfort.

“You’ve grown so used to turbulence that peace feels like a threat.”

(Dana, 2018)

Safe love feels boring because it doesn’t activate your fight-or-flight system. It lacks the highs and lows that your body associated with passion. But that “boredom” is actually regulation.

Secure attachment may not feel intoxicating—but it provides:

• Consistency

• Emotional safety

• Mutual accountability

• Long-term security

Healing requires learning to reinterpret those signals. You aren’t “bored”—you’re finally safe enough to relax.

Final Reflection: You Don’t Owe Closure to the Person Who Hurt You

You don’t have to respond to the apology. You don’t have to meet for coffee. You don’t need to explain your silence. Healing isn’t always symmetrical. Sometimes the most powerful closure is the one that happens quietly, without permission or performance.

When love is safe, it might feel unfamiliar. But unfamiliar doesn’t mean wrong. It means new. And with time, your nervous system will begin to associate safety with love—not chaos.

References

• Bryant, T. (2022). Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self. TarcherPerigee.

• Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications, Inc.

• Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Levine, G. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. TarcherPerigee.

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Viking.