The Truth About Trauma Bonds Masquerading as Soulmates

Denver Therapy Online
Aug 13
4 min read

The Addiction to Chaos in Love

When we say we “can’t leave,” we often think we’re talking about love. But more often, we’re talking about addiction—addiction to a nervous system response wired in childhood. Trauma bonds are formed when we confuse chaotic intensity for emotional intimacy. That adrenaline surge, the cycle of highs and lows, the longing between moments of connection? It’s not love. It’s chemical survival dressed up as passion.

Many people who grow up in unstable emotional environments develop a tolerance for inconsistency and a craving for the emotional thrill of being wanted and discarded on a loop. Over time, this becomes the only template for love we recognize. What feels like a soulmate connection might be your trauma reenacting itself, trying to resolve what was never repaired in childhood.

What Exactly Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is not just a toxic relationship—it’s a physiological and emotional tether between someone who harms and someone who becomes neurologically dependent on the cycle of harm and reward. Dr. Patrick Carnes, who coined the term, defines it as a strong emotional attachment that develops when abuse is followed by intermittent reinforcement of kindness, affection, or hope.

The victim clings to crumbs of kindness in between periods of control, silence, or cruelty. The more intense the withdrawal from connection, the more euphoric the reunion feels. This dynamic mimics addiction, where the person becomes both the source of pain and the desired cure.

The Neurobiology of the Trauma Bond

This isn’t just psychological—it’s neurochemical. The bond is maintained through powerful neurotransmitters:

Dopamine spikes during unpredictable moments of validation, creating euphoria and craving.
Oxytocin—often released during physical intimacy—reinforces emotional trust, even with someone unsafe.
Cortisol floods the body during conflict or abandonment, keeping the system in hypervigilant alert.

The cycle resembles gambling addiction: unpredictable rewards create stronger behavioral reinforcement than consistent ones. You never know when the good version of your partner will show up, so you stay hooked, waiting. This is intermittent reinforcement at its cruelest.

Why We Confuse It With Love

If you learned that love meant being on edge, being “good” to avoid punishment, or staying hyperattuned to another’s moods in childhood, your nervous system may equate unpredictability with affection. The adult relationship that replicates these conditions will feel familiar—even fated. Many mistake that familiarity for chemistry or soul connection.

Statements like:

“But we always come back to each other.”
“No one has ever made me feel this way.”
“It’s so intense, it has to mean something.”

…aren’t proof of love. They’re signs of emotional dysregulation and developmental attachment wounds trying to script a different ending with someone equally incapable of healing it.

How Trauma Bonds Are Maintained

Gaslighting: The abuser minimizes or denies your experience, creating self-doubt. This keeps you emotionally dependent on their version of reality.
Love Bombing: After conflict or withdrawal, the abuser overwhelms you with affection, reinforcing the bond and deepening confusion.
Guilt & Obligation: You’re made to feel responsible for their pain, anger, or instability—training you to betray yourself to avoid upsetting them.
Isolation: You lose contact with friends, family, and even your own intuition. Without mirrors or sounding boards, you become easier to control.
Cognitive Dissonance: You hold contradictory beliefs—“they love me” and “they hurt me”—and the brain works overtime to make the pain make sense.

Attachment Theory Meets Trauma Bonding

According to Bowlby and Ainsworth’s attachment theory, individuals with anxious or disorganized attachment styles are most susceptible to trauma bonds. Anxiously attached individuals often fear abandonment and are hyper-attuned to a partner’s emotional shifts, while disorganized types carry a deep ambivalence: craving closeness but fearing it will hurt.

This creates fertile ground for trauma bonding, especially with partners who reinforce the same abandonment, rejection, or manipulation experienced in early relationships with caregivers.

Breaking Free: Healing the Trauma Bond

Radical Naming
Call it what it is—not love, not fate, not a twin flame. It’s a trauma bond. Labeling it breaks the spell.
No (or Low) Contact
Like addiction, healing requires detox. Expect withdrawal symptoms—obsessive thoughts, guilt, even physical symptoms. This is your nervous system recalibrating.
Somatic Healing
Healing must involve the body. Modalities like EMDR, somatic experiencing, TRE (tension and trauma release exercises), and breathwork can discharge trauma stored in the nervous system.
Inner Child Reconnection
Most trauma bonds are the inner child begging to finally be chosen. Give her what she never received: safety, boundaries, consistent love—from you.
Trauma-Informed Therapy
Find a therapist trained in complex PTSD, attachment trauma, and emotional regulation. Tools like IFS (Internal Family Systems), polyvagal theory, and DBT can be life-changing.
Rebuild Identity
Trauma bonds erode your sense of self. Reclaim your routines, style, voice, and values. Rebuilding your life without their presence helps reinforce your autonomy.

The Fantasy Is What Hurts the Most

The pain of walking away from a trauma bond is often less about the person and more about the fantasy: the hope that if you loved hard enough, they would finally choose you, see you, change for you. That fantasy is rooted in childhood—and it was never your fault you didn’t get what you needed back then. But it is your responsibility to stop repeating it.