The Existential Rebellion of Self: Deconstructing The Courage to Be Disliked

I. Introduction: A Dialogue Against Determinism

The Courage to Be Disliked (Kishimi & Koga, 2013) is not a typical self-help book. Framed as a Socratic dialogue between a philosopher and a youth, it boldly dismantles the Freudian determinism and victimhood narratives dominating modern psychology. Drawing from Adlerian psychology, the book declares: You are not a product of your past—you are the author of your future.

This is not a dismissal of trauma, but a radical assertion of agency. Kishimi and Koga assert that suffering is not solely inherited—it is perpetuated when we unknowingly choose goals of unhappiness. This reorients psychological suffering not as fate, but as function: “All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.”

II. Teleology Over Etiology: Why “Why” Doesn’t Matter

Where Freud looked to the past to explain the present (etiology), Adler—on whom the book is based—proposed a teleological model: behavior is goal-driven, not cause-driven. In this view, even symptoms like anxiety or isolation are purposive. That is, they serve psychological ends, often unconsciously chosen.

“People fabricate anger. It’s something one uses to achieve a goal.” — The Philosopher

This mirrors constructivist psychology and aligns with Aaron Beck’s cognitive theory (Beck, 1967), which asserts that beliefs—not events—drive emotional reactions. It also resembles ACT’s concept of experiential avoidance (Hayes et al., 1999), where suffering often serves as a protective function that impairs vitality.

III. Separating Tasks: The Antidote to Codependency

One of the most transformative ideas in the book is “the separation of tasks.” This principle, drawn from Alfred Adler’s emphasis on individual responsibility within social context, teaches us that much suffering arises from confusion over whose task we are managing.

For example, pleasing others, avoiding rejection, or modifying one’s life to fit expectations are often acts of crossing boundaries into someone else’s “task.”

This insight maps directly onto:

• Bowen’s family systems theory—specifically, differentiation of self (Bowen, 1978)

• DBT interpersonal effectiveness—especially DEAR MAN and boundary assertion (Linehan, 1993)

• Co-dependency literature (Beattie, 1986) and its emphasis on detaching from outcomes we don’t control

In therapeutic terms, this idea trains psychological individuation, crucial for autonomy and relational health.

IV. Freedom and the Fear of Being Disliked

Kishimi and Koga argue that freedom includes the risk of being disliked. This is an existential idea, not a rhetorical one. Freedom cannot be actualized without differentiation and value assertion, which will inevitably upset relational systems invested in your compliance.

To live freely, then, is to be willing to let go of the social approval that chained your prior self. The book challenges the reader to tolerate the pain of authenticity rather than live the comfort of assimilation.

This echoes:

• Rollo May’s existential therapy and the notion that anxiety is the cost of freedom (May, 1950)

• Erik Erikson’s theory of identity vs. role confusion (Erikson, 1959)

• Self-determination theory, especially the tension between autonomy and relatedness (Deci & Ryan, 1985)

To live well is to choose values over validation.

V. The “Community Feeling”: Belonging Without Dependency

In opposition to the narcissistic self-focus often championed in pop psychology, Adlerian thought promotes gemeinschaftsgefühl—translated as “community feeling” or social interest. This is not people-pleasing, but rather a cooperative, equal-participation in life, grounded in mutual respect.

The book reframes happiness as contribution—not achievement. In modern psychological language, this aligns with:

• Eudaimonic well-being (Ryan & Deci, 2001): meaning and growth over pleasure

• Prosocial behavior research: where giving is neurologically and emotionally rewarding (Layous et al., 2012)

• Logotherapy (Frankl, 1946): where meaning is often located outside the self, in service to others or a cause

In Adlerian psychology, contribution is not a moral duty—it’s a psychological need.

VI. Living in the “Here and Now”

The philosopher repeatedly invites the youth to give up “life-lies” based on future fear or past pain. Instead, he emphasizes the Adlerian belief that we create ourselves anew in every moment. This parallels:

• Gestalt Therapy’s “here and now” principle (Perls, 1969)

• Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT), which trains present-moment awareness as liberation from depressive rumination (Segal et al., 2002)

• Carl Rogers’ idea of unconditional positive regard as a ground for authentic self-actualization (Rogers, 1951)

In short: the moment you accept the freedom to choose your task, values, and perspective—you are reborn.

VII. The Courage to Be Disliked is the Courage to Be Free

The titular concept is not about aggression, rebellion, or withdrawal. It is the emotional maturity to differentiate love from approval, contribution from obligation, and happiness from status. The “courage” refers to:

• Withstanding rejection

• Choosing alignment over applause

• Living values even when no one validates them

It is the courage to disappoint others rather than betray yourself.

In trauma recovery, this is also the courage to reclaim authorship—to shift from inherited scripts to chosen roles.

VIII. Conclusion: Freedom Without Narcissism, Community Without Conformity

In a world caught between toxic self-sacrifice and toxic self-absorption, The Courage to Be Disliked offers a rare third way: a psychology of freedom anchored in social interest.

It is not a call to become indifferent—it is a manifesto for becoming deeply, courageously human.

References

• Kishimi, I., & Koga, F. (2013). The Courage to Be Disliked. Allen & Unwin.

• Adler, A. (1930). The Science of Living.

• Beck, A. T. (1967). Depression: Clinical, Experimental, and Theoretical Aspects.

• Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.

• Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder.

• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Self-Determination Theory.

• May, R. (1950). The Meaning of Anxiety.

• Erikson, E. H. (1959). Identity and the Life Cycle.

• Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning.

• Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-Centered Therapy.

• Segal, Z. V., Williams, J. M. G., & Teasdale, J. D. (2002). Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression.

• Perls, F. (1969). Gestalt Therapy Verbatim.

• Layous, K., et al. (2012). Kindness counts: Prompting prosocial behavior boosts well-being.