Stop Texting That Toxic Man Back: Your Nervous System Isn’t in Love—It’s in Survival

Denver Therapy Online
Aug 13
3 min read

Introduction: Love or Trauma?

You’re not obsessed.

You’re not crazy.

You’re not even really in love.

You’re addicted to the high of anxiety, the chaos of inconsistency, and the false hope that if you just try hard enough, you’ll finally feel safe in his arms.

But here’s the truth:

Your nervous system is mistaking dysregulation for connection.

And the worst part? You keep calling it love.

Section I: When Attraction Is Actually Dysregulation

Trauma bonds often masquerade as chemistry. The brain can associate familiarity with safety, even when it’s harmful. According to van der Kolk (2014), author of The Body Keeps the Score, early attachment wounds can wire the nervous system to seek out chaotic relationships as a way to resolve unfinished emotional business.

You’re not drawn to him because he’s good for you.

You’re drawn to him because your body recognizes the inconsistency.

And that inconsistency mimics home.

This is called repetition compulsion—a Freudian concept where people unconsciously repeat painful patterns to try and “fix” the past.

Section II: Why You Can’t Stop Reaching Out

You know he’s bad for you.

But when he goes silent, your body floods with panic.

This is your attachment system being activated. If you experienced inconsistent caregiving as a child, you may have developed an anxious attachment style—which causes you to overfunction when someone withdraws.

Oxytocin, dopamine, and cortisol combine in a neurochemical cocktail that keeps you hooked. It’s not love—it’s withdrawal. Fisher et al. (2010) found that romantic rejection activates the same parts of the brain as drug withdrawal.

So when you’re tempted to text him after he disappears for three days?

That’s not love.

That’s withdrawal from a chemical loop your trauma helped create.

Section III: The “Let Them” Theory & Why It’s Everything

Let him ignore you. Let him breadcrumb. Let him show you who he is.

And then you believe him.

The “Let Them” theory—popularized by Mel Robbins—emphasizes that emotional freedom comes from allowing people to behave however they choose… and letting that inform your choices.

Stop controlling. Start observing.

You’ll begin to see the truth:

If they can hurt you without remorse, you don’t need to prove your worth.

You need to exit the game.

Section IV: What Real Love Feels Like (Spoiler: It’s Boring at First)

Healthy love is consistent, calm, and kind.

It feels like peace, not adrenaline.

But if your baseline has always been chaos, peace might feel unfamiliar—maybe even “boring.”

Healing means learning to tolerate healthy connection even when it doesn’t spike your nervous system.

Levine & Heller (2010), in Attached, explain that anxious types often mistake emotional neutrality for disinterest, when in fact, it’s a sign of secure connection.

Section V: Steps to Begin Detoxing from Toxic Love

Name the wound – Journal about what the relationship activates in you.
Somatic regulation – Practice nervous system resets (like vagal breathing, shaking, tapping).
Grieve the fantasy – You’re not just mourning him, you’re mourning the version of you that believed he’d change.
Build secure circles – Attach to people who mirror safety and consistency.
No contact = nervous system rehab – The longer you stay away, the more clarity you gain.