“I Thought We Were Soulmates—Turns Out, I Was Just Trauma Bonded”

Introduction

It starts like a movie. The intense eye contact. The uncanny synchronicities. The emotional fireworks. You tell your friends, “This feels different.” You call it fate. Maybe even a soulmate. But months or years later, you’re left wrecked, confused, and emotionally drained.

What you experienced might not have been love.

It might have been a trauma bond.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a deep, emotional attachment formed with someone who is inconsistent, controlling, or abusive. It develops through cycles of intermittent reinforcement—where affection, love, or validation is alternated with neglect, cruelty, or emotional absence (Carnes, 2019).

This push-pull dynamic mimics early childhood attachment wounds, making it feel eerily familiar—even intoxicating.

According to Patrick Carnes, who coined the term, trauma bonding is most common in relationships where there is a power imbalance combined with emotional manipulation or abuse. Survivors often stay not because they’re weak, but because the neurological imprint of pain and reward has fused into their concept of love.

The Science Behind the Highs

Psychologically, trauma bonds activate the same dopamine-reward loop as addiction (Volkow et al., 2011).

Each moment of kindness or connection after mistreatment triggers a chemical rush that mimics real intimacy. But instead of security, you’re constantly chasing emotional scraps, convincing yourself, “This must be real love—it’s so intense.”

You may also experience:

• Cognitive dissonance (“They’re not all bad, right?”)

• Hyper-fixation on proving your worth

• Internalized blame (“If I were better, they wouldn’t treat me this way.”)

• Reliving childhood patterns where love had to be earned or endured

Soulmate or Trauma Reenactment?

It’s easy to mistake a trauma bond for a soulmate because it replicates what felt like love growing up: inconsistency, yearning, and moments of closeness peppered with abandonment or criticism.

According to Pia Mellody (1989), people with relational trauma often gravitate toward familiar emotional chaos—not because it’s healthy, but because it’s known.

This is why the nervous system mistakes adrenaline for chemistry. The chaos feels romantic. The instability feels passionate.

But real love isn’t a test.

Signs You May Be in a Trauma Bond

• You feel addicted to the relationship despite its harm

• You obsess over their validation, especially after mistreatment

• You rationalize or minimize their behavior

• You fear being alone more than being mistreated

• You have difficulty imagining life without them, even if you’re suffering

In her book The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (2014) emphasizes how trauma lives not just in memory, but in the body. You might feel physically sick, anxious, or disoriented during emotional withdrawal—because your nervous system was trained to associate survival with their presence.

Breaking the Cycle: From Illusion to Freedom

Ending a trauma bond isn’t about “just leaving”—it’s about reclaiming your nervous system, your self-worth, and your truth.

Steps toward healing:

1. Name it: Acknowledge that what you’re feeling may be a trauma reenactment, not destiny.

2. Educate your nervous system: Learn to associate calm, respectful love with safety. Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011) emphasizes how regulation starts in the body, not the brain.

3. Grieve the fantasy: Often, we mourn not the person, but the story we told ourselves.

4. Reconnect with self: Journaling, therapy (especially EMDR or IFS), and somatic work can help unlearn the belief that love must be earned through suffering.

5. Build secure relationships: With friends, mentors, or partners who show up consistently—even if it feels “boring” at first.

Conclusion

You weren’t naïve. You weren’t foolish.

You were likely repeating the only version of love your nervous system recognized.

But now you know.

Real love feels safe, not chaotic.

It builds, not breaks.

And it doesn’t demand that you abandon yourself in order to keep it.

References

• Carnes, P. (2019). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.

• Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin.

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, Self-regulation. Norton.

• Mellody, P. (1989). Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives.

• Volkow, N. D., et al. (2011). Addiction: Decreased Reward Sensitivity and Increased Expectation Sensitivity. The Journal of Neuroscience.